starseerdrgn: Koboldrone (Default)

I do not talk of this subject very often, but I believe it should be mentioned.

In this age of social media, many people tend to make very quick reactions to anything that is said, done, or created. This includes creations which are hyped by its fanbase, and fanbases which cause issues with those outside of its community.

For example, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Members of that community managed to force the show on people so much that many began to hate the show and everything surrounding it, even without seeing it. Another that is similar to this is Five Nights at Freddy's, which to some extent, I am guilty of due to just how much the story inspired me. In fact, here is a short list of some subjects in which I have seen or experienced this issue crop up:

  • My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
  • Five Nights at Freddy's
  • Steven Universe
  • Normal Show
  • Spongebob Squarepants
  • Undertale
  • Earthbound/Mother series
  • Homestuck
  • Pokémon
  • Digimon
  • Team Fortress 2
  • Portal
  • Half-Life
  • South Park
  • Family Guy
  • King of the Hill
  • Linux
  • Macs and iDevices
  • Android
  • Japanese Anime
  • Avatar: The Last Airbender (TV Show)
  • Legend of Korra

This is only a short list, mind you, and only subjects which I myself have either experienced backlash over, or have seen others experience backlash from.

With that said, it seems like the current age punishes anyone who has passion or inspiration regarding some of these topics. Typically, it is punishment from people who have been pushed by those who force that passion on others, but it happens with anything that has gathered a strong following where the fans can become rabid.

I do have a reason for saying all of this, though. When I encounter something which has inspired me, or which I enjoy, I like to talk about it. However, if I try to bring up something which has already been ruined for someone, I become the focus of the very backlash I mentioned above.

It hurts because, unlike many people, it is excessively difficult for me to talk with people. I never now what will set people off, so I tend to just stay quiet. As I even commented to my master Achiga during the night, I often consider just locking myself away in my bedroom and shutting out society and socialization as a whole.

For me, it causes my mind to say, "You should feel guilty for liking this, because it has hurt someone you care about." This happens with everything for me, to the point that even being in a good mood when my mates are down or depressed causes me to feel guilty for being happy, and when they are in a good mood while my own mood is poor, I feel guilty for not being as cheerful as they are. Or having new things which I may be proud of…If I wind up annoying someone because I mention it, I feel guilty for being happy about that.

I do not know what this is called…Social anxiety? I am not in an abusive relationship, as my mates are very loving. This is all me, and I simply do not know what can be done about it. I cannot take any sort of psychoactive medication (I am medically barred from doing so), and if I were to so much as ask about any sort of alternative medicine online, the backlash would be swift and humiliating.

To use the spoon theory, I feel as if I have used a year's worth of spoons in the last few months alone. I have not truly enjoyed much of what I do, and when I do enjoy something, it simply drops into the guilt bucket shortly afterward. For example, enjoying my story writing, only to feel guilty that I was not doing dishes or writing down notes; or watching something to relax, only to feel guilty that I was not doing something more productive; or sleeping when I know I should be working on my story universe or notes. Yes…I will admit that I feel guilty about sleeping.

This is what I have been coping with for quite a while. I do not say much about it, as talking about it with others does not help at all. In fact, it triggers the guilty feelings, as I feel I am drawing down the mood by bringing it up. But yes…This is what I cope with. Maybe someone will have some information about it, but as of right now, this is all I know about my issue.

September 2017

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